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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I wanna be the cup, but I feel like the eraser

I don't think it was a coincidence that I logged in today-- eleven months after my last post. I re-read "Erasable Me" from August and drank up the wisdom from my past self. I've been searching for that eraser again. Longing for days filled with naps, homemade fudge and Maury (You ARE the father!). In reality my days consist of fatigue that frames errands, work, laundry and diabetes. Oh how I despise diabetes. And I am trying to navigate this new family dynamic that now includes a "tween." No base model for us, we got the fully-loaded tween. A mere twelve, she came equipped with fantastically executed eye-rolls, severe attitude and a great dislike for her family. I know, I know, it will pass. Yeah, well most kidney stones pass, too, but not without considerable discomfort and pain, so I hear.

Started a new exercise program last week. I am fluffier (read: fatter) than I've been and of course I can't have that. Seriously beginning to doubt that I'll ever be free from the shackles of an eating/image disorder. Heck, I am 45 years old and still singing the same effed-up song! Anyway, I am doing Focus T25, by Beach Body. Too early to know if it'll make a difference, but I do kind of like it. It's very difficult to "be" with the way I am right now. I walk this tight-rope of trying to get fit, and then wanting to say "screw it, I'll eat/do whatever I want." I am locked in self-loathing. I need to invite my inner Buddhist back for tea. Perhaps some chamomile. Maybe I'll serve it in the smiley cup.

Photo credit: http://snowyowl199513.deviantart.com/art/Sad-Eraser-Happy-Cup-167552515