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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Stream of Consciousness: Thoughts About Me and Dieting

I am becoming fluffier by the day. Fluffy bunnies are cute. Fluffy pancakes are desired. Fluffy clouds are welcomed. A fluffy Michelle = None of these things. I don't like the way my waistline spills over my waistband. I don't like that the scale seems to only go up, not down. I don't like that my current weight doesn't match my driver's license and I'm afraid it never will again. So here I am, 47, and still bumming out about my bod. To make matters worse, I bum myself out by still bumming out about my bod! I think I'll take a few minutes to sort out some of my ideas around body image and weight loss. This is stream-of-consciouness journaling. Here goes: Ready, Aim, Fire!

  • Dieting makes me grouchy. So does being over my goal weight. 
  • Switching perspectives helps sometimes. I'd like to "get healthy," not "lose weight."
  • Scrap that -- I really do want to lose weight. 
  • I have enough stuff (programs, clothes, books) and don't need to delay fitness by buying one more thing/joining one more club/reading one more cleanse. 
  • I like cookies better than rice cakes.
  • I really do think losing weight will make me happy. 
  • Even if weight is "just a number," I'd like a lower number, please.
  • I love feeling strong. 
  • I love kicking tail on Laurent Hill.
  • I love feeling fit and running long runs successfully.
  • Giving up things often makes me want them more (I'm talking to you, Wine and Chocolate).
  • Every thing in moderation is easier said than done.
  • My best "clean" days start with green smoothies.
  • Sleep is my best weight-loss pill.
  • I'm afraid that I'll keep gaining weight.
  • I'm often ashamed of my appearance/weight when I am in public.
  • My body-shaming voice doesn't usually chime in until I get dressed each day.
  • Evenings are when I usually overeat. 
  • I don't want to pass my body image issues to my kids.
  • I'm pretty sure I am passing my body image issues to my kids.
  • My husband deserves the best version of me.
  • Feeling fit helps me feel sexy.
  • Gymnema helps me stay away from sugar.
  • I wish I could accept me As Is.
  • I am pretty sure I'll never be able to accept myself As Is, unless that As Is is perfect, which it will never be.
  • That makes me sad.
  • I am more than my love handles. 
  • I have more energy when I eat clean and follow a fitness program.
  • Good music makes me run faster, harder and longer.
  • I am capable of doing better than I am right now.
  • I envy people who are confident in their skin.
  • I have so much to be grateful for.
  • I still have a lot of work to do.
  • I'm ready.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Monday, February 9, 2015

Balancing Bad with Good

If you’re going to do the bad, you still have to do the good.

My sister has a rule that goes something like that.  Even on days when she eats crap (think: cake batter), she still has to eat good foods (like greens and proteins). Poor behavior doesn’t dismiss good behavior. I’ve used this frame a lot to help find some weird sort of balance when I’m on a downward-food slant.

Today I’m thinking of applying her logic to my thoughts. I’ve been working with a specialist on trying to let the Kind Me (KM) rent a bit more space in my head. It’s tough because the Mean Girl Me (MGM) rules tyrannically in my head—allowing very little room for any tenants. For now, that’s okay. KM doesn’t need a mansion-- just a studio. Or a car port. Or a tiny tree house. It’s a start.

When MGM starts casting the spell of inadequacy, I can still let KM whisper. She can say things like, That’s just one opinion or maybe There, there, it’s okay. Much like tempering the crap-food days with nutrition, I can must let the Kind Me speak when the Mean Girl Me shouts. In doing so, I think she’ll get stronger, louder and more confident. 

One day she might even look into buying. 

Photo Credit: The Joke Box (Scale Model Tree House)